An Honest Look at Myself

I subbed for the first time since my internship, and damn, it was rough as hell. I think I took for granted my relationship with the children at the school I interned at, since they were used to me and sort of behaved better when I was around. This school was new to me, and the children did not know me. And well, it was awful.

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In the wake of the near nervous state I was in after this rough day (kindergarteners can break you, shockingly), I simply lost it when I received an unwarranted snapchat from someone. It was a picture of a particular celebrity who is not renowned for her looks or personality, and who I find quite off-putting. My self-esteem has been fragile lately, and this simply did not help- especially since in no world is being equated to this particular celebrity an actual compliment.

Much to my embarrassment, I cried the entire drive home. Was it because of the awful day substitute teaching? Or was it this rather nasty snapchat that made me feel so repulsive and did not match with my mental image of myself?

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After taking some time to calm down, I decided that this was bullshit. Growing up I was compared to Mischa Barton and Brigitte Bardot, mostly in regards to my diamond face shape (strong, high cheekbones). Since gaining weight, the comparisons have been significantly less… flattering.

I know my own beauty. For some reason, no one else is seeing it these days- and by no one, I mean men. And by men, I mean those of my age and in this particular area of the United States. Also maybe just the “men” I associate with, who all seem to want dark hipster chicks ala Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey is gorgeous, but I am not her style at all. If anything, I’m more of a Leslie Knope in terms of passion, insanity and bad luck in love.

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Why do I crave the affection/attention of others? Why do I base my self worth on the amount of compliments I receive? Granted, lately I have not been feeling the love from… anyone, really.

I need new friends. I don’t know how to find them, but I have to somehow. I’m joining a boxing gym, which will be fun. Hopefully I’ll meet people there.

My goal is to drop 30 pounds by late June, but frankly I’ll settle for toning up and losing about 15 pounds for now. I’m working on my diet, since I really need to stop eating horribly. Diet is about 90% of the weight loss battle, and it’s what I’ve always struggled with. My dad’s girlfriend is a nutritionist, so she talked me through what I need to do. Combined with my workouts, I think my goal is feasible.

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I always loved myself growing up, and I never gave a damn what anyone else thought. Screw everyone. I need to keep coming back to my mantra: I know who I am. No one else ever will and that’s normal. No one can define me except myself.

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